The Lottery

You know what? I’m tired of not hitting the lottery. I’ve been trying for years but alas… no luck. Believe me it’s not for lack of trying. The lottery has taken more out of me than I have taken out of it – thus far. Oh I’ve had the occasional scratch off hit but the big one has alluded me. In 1670, John Ray wrote, “If wishes were horses then beggars would ride.” Oh so true. Still, despite overwhelming odds I play when the numbers are high enough. It is important to have a plan for any contingency be it terrorist attack or if the lights go out. Well, here’s my tentative plan for what happens after I, Evil Chicken, happen to hit the lottery.

I’m going cash option. Don’t even tempt me with a 20, 25 or 30-year payout. The only thing that is guaranteed in this life besides death and taxes is change and right NOW. I can do some good in the NOW with the resources that a major lottery win could provide. It’s the future that is sketchy and anything is possible. On the way to cash the check I could be struck by a meteorite or a bus making hitting the lottery pretty much a moot point. Thanks, I’ll take the cash.

I wouldn’t want anyone to know I hit. This is hard. Just for fun let’s say the pot was 200 million (hey if you’re gonna dream why not make it big). So that makes a net of about 100 million dollars. Not too shabby. Still the last thing you want, I would imagine, is anyone finding out. This would force you to change your lifestyle on other’s terms instead of your own. This is why Clark Kent and Peter Parker have secret identities. While they are Kent and Parker – no problem, they blend in; when they fly or start to climb on walls, they don’t blend in so much. Note: this is probably impossible but it would be nice to remain as anonymous.

Taxes. I figure that the Feds and the state will automatically take half of the pot in taxes alone. So whatever the pot may be I divide it in half from Jump Street. Bank on it. Now comes the make or break time. There are many lottery winners who have lost everything due to pride, poor decisions or a mixture of the two.

It’s good to have a plan… no?

Automatically, from the top, the first 10% is going to my church. I also figure that I will have to enlist a lawyer and an accountant since I do not trust myself with such a sum of money. Oh I have ideas on what to do but solid know-how? I’m not the one. There are goals such as being out of debt, having the kids weddings and college funds paid off, as well as, investing (which is nebulous as all get out to yours truly). Hey, that’s what the accountant is for. Under investments there is a movie that I would like to produce, as well as, a film company that I would like to help along the way.

Now then, let’s talk pure, unadulterated selfishness. This is where ‘I wish’ goes to ‘I want.’ Mother Hen and I have always wanted a log home on some acreage with a body of water close by, you know – for kayaking, canoeing and fishing. I want to be able to flip hamburgers on the grill in my underwear and get that full body tan I’ve always wanted so immediate neighbors are not an option. I want the kids to have a bunkroom where they can sleep and play. I would love a huge laundry room – a place where I would never have to worry about throwing clean clothes on the dinning room table to wait to be separated and taken to their respective dressers. Oh yes. The Evil Chicken laundry room would be a wonderful step forward in clothes cleaning technology. There would be a table where I could separate and personalized shelves where I could throw their clothes…

“I don’t have any pants.”

“Check your shelf – I KNOW I just washed some.”

Oh yeah, good times…

The Laundry Room would have a door that could open and close. Amazing. This concept just gives me chills. People could come to our home and not have to see the laundry that I have not put away.

Creepy.

The kitchen would have a working dishwasher. Oh yes, it would. There would be a pantry next to the Laundry Room with a working door too. No fuss, no muss, no dishes in the sink that still have to be cleaned.

Oh yeah. Look (I’m pointing at my arm); I’ve got chills just thinking about it.

You may say, “But Evil Chicken, you’ve just won the lottery, why don’t you hire a maid, cook or personal assistant?” Say… that’s a good question. My answer is “No thanks.” My reasons are twofold. First as Bob Dylan sang, “Did you ever turn around to see the frowns on the jugglers and clowns when they all did tricks for you?” I don’t want anyone in a subservient position in my own home. It’s creepy. Secondly I don’t want to give anyone the ammunition for the eventual tell all book about that “Sick and twisted Evil Chicken.” Gentle reader I will be the one to write that book; thank you very much. Don’t worry – it’ll be coming soon.

But enough about Rancho Del Evil Chicken. Let me tell you about what happens while it’s being built. The EC-5 is going on the road. Yup. We are touring the lower 48 states in an RV while towing a four door Jeep Wrangler; a mothership and shuttlecraft. Don’t worry I’ll write about each adventure. We’ll need to abandon the Mothership to fly over to Hawaii and back but after that it up through British Columbia and on to Alaska. We’ll geocache the whole way. After a good long while in Alaska we’ll tour Canada; push our way east and take the Cat Hydrofoil from Nova Scotia to Bar Harbor Maine. Grab a sunrise from the top of Cadillac Mountain and half dozen lobsters or so and we’re on our way back home. I’ll collect the adventures in a book, watch the kids grow and continue to post our adventures on SJG (South Jersey Geocaching), the Big Green (geocaching.com) and, right here my Chicken Scratch blog. We’ll print tee shirts, “EC-5 American Tour – 2007.”

“What if the log cabin isn’t finished yet?” you ask. Another fine question I might add. Well then it’ll be time for the “EC-5 European Tour – 2008.” We’ll check off the cities that I’ve got listed to the right in “Top 10 Cities Evil Chicken Wants to Visit” – European edition…

Mmmm… Smell the greed. I do. It is important to realize that things are just that – things i.e. material goods or worldly possessions. The BMW that you buy with your lottery winnings is gonna rust and the jewelry? All of it will all tarnish. The electronics and plastic creations will become obsolete and lose their luster. J.K. Rowling’s Albus Dumbledore find Harry Potter staring into “The Mirror of Erised.” This mirror allows the viewer to see their deepest dreams and desires realized – at least in the mirror’s reflection. Dumbledore wisely tells Harry that, “It does not do to dwell on dreams, Harry, and forget to live.” That’s good advice. Earthly treasure is all well and good but you really can’t take it with you. Forgive me gentle reader; I’ve dwelled too long on dreams.

Perhaps it would be best to give the bulk of it away. I mean, do I really need that much money? No. Do I know of situations, families, churches and organizations that could use it? Yes. K.I.S.S. – Keep It Simple Stupid. It would be wonderful to anonymously make a difference with the blessing of a lottery win by supporting missionaries, local soup kitchens, charities, pay off some mortgages and meet, at least to some degree, the needs of others who really need it.

I’m dreaming once again… Alas, “If wishes were horses then beggars would ride”.