X-Men – The Last Stand

Beware lads and lasses; spoiler’s aplenty ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

I just got back from the theater and I thought I’d jot down my first perceptions of the third installment of the “X-Men” movies. Let me be honest, I didn’t have high hopes going in; Bryan Singer (the director and co-writer of X-Men and X2) was not involved whatsoever since he decided to helm the “Superman Returns” project. I also knew that this was a rush job. For some reason Fox wanted to beat “Superman Returns” to the theaters – in doing so “X-Men – The Last Stand” was made in 14 months. That’s quick and there are moments that, if you are a fan of X-Men, you will notice. That being said, Brett Ratner did very well with what he was given. It is cohesive and works as an all out action – war with the mutants – movie; which is what the film shoots for. Where X-Men – The Last Stand is weakest is in the rapid packaging of over 40 years of comic book history into a movie that treats real watershed moments as throw away scenes. Sentinels are relegated to a brief moment in the danger room, Phoenix doesn’t flame into her fiery form, and when Iceman goes into ice mode it’s over way too soon. Each of these scenes is a biggie for any self respecting fan boy. Also, Professor X is a bit of a dick when Wolverine questions his actions toward Jean Grey. Not that the good professor and Logan haven’t squared off in the past, it’s just that this time the kind nurturing Xavier has grown claws. Logan’s a bit weepy too – fortunately, he makes up for it with some decent slice and dice action.

I enjoyed it. If you enjoyed the last two movies then chances are you will like this one. “X-Men” introduced them, “X2” perfected them and “X-Men – The Last Stand” moved their story along; which is much better than I expected. Mr. Ratner had big shoes to fill and he did an admirable job.

Do yourself a favor and stay for all of the credits. You will not be disappointed.

Evil Chicken’s Picks for the Summer Flicks in the year of our Lord 2006

Right off the bat let me say that this is one of my favorite times of year; the summer movie season. The big Hollywood studios roll out their latest offerings to a blockbuster hungry public. They have gambled, in some cases, hundreds of millions of dollars that their properties will become the next big thing in pop culture. Some win some lose; at times ‘sure things’ such as “Mission Impossible III” don’t perform up to industry expectations for their opening days and are labeled failures. This is an interesting phenomena since in its second week MI:3 was able to best “Poseidon” for the number one spot. Slow and steady still wins races. Needless to say, the big studios have much riding on the summer season. I love to see the dark horse win the race. Films that were never meant for multi-million dollar returns such as “The Blair Witch Project”, “The Sixth Sense”, “Clerks” or the “Evil Dead” series. It does my heart good to know that a cheap, smartly told story can sweep the big boys. Anyway, before you pack up the kids and significant other to hit the local multiplex here is another voice in the crowd, mine.

So, without further ado…

5/19/06, The Da Vinci Code. I’m not talking about ‘controversy’; I did that last blog – I’m talking about story. I hope that Ron Howard and company can deliver. The film premiered at Canes last night and early spin ain’t good. To see or wait for DVD? – THAT is the question!

5/26/06, X-Men – The Last Stand. I’d like this to work. It’s a well-established point that I’m a card carrying GEEK. This time out, however the X-Men have lost one of their most important members, Mr. Bryan Singer the director of X1 and X2. I hope that it’s not terminal. Early spin is mixed. Still and all, it’s X-MEN engaged in all out mutant war; translation: my ticket is already bought.

6/2/06, Nacho Libre. I love Mr. Jack Black with Tenacious D or on the big screen. He chews up every scene that he’s in. He’s energy personified. Add to the mix the writer and director of Napoleon Dynamite and what do you get? Jack Black as a Mexican Masked Wrestler. I can’t wait.

6/30/06, Superman Returns. This will be the 900-pound gorilla of summer; I’ll go even further; it will deserve it. This is the film that Bryan Singer gave up X-Men for. Singer respects the source material. He has a love for the culture and passion for the story. He was steeped in it. Me too. I remember seeing Christopher Reeve on the big screen in 1978 in “Superman – the Movie.” It was and remains to be one of the finest comic adaptations ever to grace the big screen. Mr. Brandon Roth is wearing the cape now with Mr. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor. I’m there opening day – no doubt.

7/7/06, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. Before this movie films about Piracy were cursed. Fortunately, Johnny Depp has removed this curse. This will be huge for Disney who produced parts 2 and 3 back to back – I expect the third out sometime around Christmas (another decent movie season). It will be fun and I’ll be there opening night with my eye-patch and earring.

7/14/06, A Scanner Darkly. This film is based on Philip K. Dick’s short story. Early spin says that it is the closest adaptation of one of his tales yet. I loved “Blade Runner” (one of my favorite films) and enjoyed “Total Recall” but, if truth be known, neither are really close to Dick’s work. This one is, warts and all. Dick was heavy into drugs when he wrote this and it is reflected in the heavily pharmacological story line. It will be one for the film books; still and all I may have to wait for DVD.

7/21/06, Lady in the Water. This is M. Night Shyamalan’s latest film and that’s good enough for me. I love this guy’s work. This tale stars an amazing actor named Paul Giamatti. This man consistantly delivers fine performances – bottom line. The story revolves around water nymphs and the discovery of a gateway into another world. Sign me up.

8/4/06, Apocalypto. Mel Gibson returns to the director’s chair for this historical drama that takes place about 600 years ago and just before the fall of the Mayan civilization. As Gibson did in “Passion of the Christ” all of the actor’s dialogue will be speaking the timely language of their characters; in the case of “Passion of the Christ” Aramaic and Latin and for "Apoclaypto" Yucatec Maya (Thank you Wikipedia!). I’d love to see this on the big screen.

8/18/06, Clerks II. Shock of shocks I’m a geek and film geek from NJ that loves Mr. Kevin Smith. I snuck into an auditorium to hear him speak in Philadelphia back in 2003; it was worth the risk. I really enjoy this guy’s work even though the statue of Christ from “Dogma” still makes me cringe. You have to look past the fart and phallic jokes with Smith. If you do you will be pleasantly surprised to find an intelligent and thoughtful filmmaker. “Clerks II” re-introduces Dante and Randal and catches us up on what they’ve been up to all these long years. “Wolvie Berserker Style! Bickity Bam!” – I’m there.

8/25/06, Pan’s Labyrinth. Guillermo del Toro directs this tale of a 12 year year-old girl in 1944 Spain who finds an ancient labyrinth underneath her new home that is guarded by a satyr named Pan. It will be subtitled in English so I hope that it will play at a theater around me. I’d like to support it; del Toro is a unique filmmaker. Unfortunately we have short attention spans here in the United States and don’t like to read subtitles when we go to the movies. It’s a shame really, but alas; such is life at the beginning of the twenty-first century.

These films should keep me occupied but still I’m looking for the dark horse. What independent or foreign film is going to shine? What under funded studio film will run with the big boys this summer? Only time will tell. In the meantime, I like my popcorn buttered and my Rasinettes plentiful.

The Chicken Code

I’ve been told that I need to have a more open mind. I was told this by a lady I work with; we were talking about the DaVinci Code and the new movie that’s about to come out. She asked, “what if Jesus’ bloodline existed today?” I said that the argument was "heretical" thinking and that the DaVinci Code is a work of fiction. As I mentioned in the opening of this, I was told that I needed to have an open mind.

To some extent she may have a point. I can be myopic and self-indulgent. Of course, on the other hand, I can see that there are going to be lot of people who will look at the DaVinci Code and immediately jump to the conclusion that it is gospel truth. It’s not; it’s classified as a work of fiction – a fiction based on fact; but fiction nonetheless. Its simple human nature to ask questions and look for the sensation of conspiracy; it’s too rich not to take a passing glance. Dan Brown, the author of “The DaVicnci Code”, in the first opening pages of the book suggests the case for “FACT:” The fiction is what follows. You know what – that’s exactly what any writer is going to do; bring the reader into the web that he is weaving. Bottom line. The more controversy the better! It sells more books, CDs, and whatever other cottage industry for marketing that can be thought up. It’s good for business. Is Opus Dei real? You betcha. How about the Knights Templar? Yup. The Priory of Sion? All real. Gentle reader, there is even a museum in France called the Louvre. Imagine that. Dan Brown is more than pleased that there is such “controversy” surrounding the films release; Pff, who wouldn’t be? He’s giggling all the way to whichever private island he decides to buy. I don’t begrudge him for that at all.

What gets me going is that there are a lot of people who are going to be convinced in some sort of five thousand year old conspiracy. Do you realize how boring it is going to be listening to this ever-evolving latest conspiracy theory? Please! I’m still getting over the Kennedy’s, 911 and Challenger. I’m not even going to mention the word “Roswell”. Don’t get me started on all the time that I had to listen to people drown on about all of this BULL PUCKY.

Yowza.

Read the book. See the movie. Please keep watching Oprah; I’m sure that there will be a new controversy or conspiracy after the opening weekend for this flick. Here in the land of the free and the home of the brave we enjoy sensation. We use it up until it has nothing left to give. This is why we no longer hear from the UFO nuts; it became blasé. Nobody cares. The shot clock is running on this “controversy” too.

Take it for what it is.

Signed a close-minded Evil Chicken.

Cerebral Codex

Do you enjoy becoming engrossed inside a story getting lost within the tale? I can. It’s a form of hypnotism when a writer whispers in your ear and the two of you make the images come alive. Sometimes it makes you wonder what else is contained within those magical pages. Maybe as you read a book can you see hidden messages within the text? Such puzzles could become maddening; once identified could they be solved? Where would they take you? What if someone challenged you to “Use Your Brain of Lose Your Mind”?

Does this interest you? If so then you must see this:http://www.cerebralcodex.com/

“Cerebral Codex,” by Brian Smith is a book that can be appreciated on several levels. The story centers on two men who have slipped into some sort of pocket universe, perhaps two doors down from our own. It documents their adventures in a strange land where they must solve puzzles in order to move forward on their quest. The pair does not know how they got to where they are or exactly where they are going – they only know that they must move on; pushing forward to unlock the next puzzle.

The second level of appreciation is the realization that this is so much more than a novel. The story is riddled with riddles – puzzles that you will see with your first reading and challenges that you will not comprehend until your tenth. “Cerebral Codex” was also realized with the help of Mr. Jeffery Dubois, he and Mr. Smith collaborated on the puzzling aspect of the novel. The encoding, the encryptions; each piece builds upon the last and the trials do not end between the pages of this book. The text points the reader to physical locations and challenges out in the real world to find hidden puzzle pieces to complete the quest. Emphasis on the word “Challenges.” At times the reader will be taken to sets of coordinates in the middle of a swamp or the heart of the Pine Barrens. For the sake of safety it would be wise to tackle such field challenges with a partner. Other books have hidden puzzles and ciphers; most notably “A Treasure’s Trove” which compelled the reader to solve the puzzles and find hidden prizes in the forests across the United States. The joy of Cerebral Codex is that the prize is and always was the quest – the journey. It brings in another dimension for the reader – it becomes its own genre; it becomes Participatory Theater.

The third level is wondering where Mr. Smith and Mr. Dubois will go next. How will they shape the story with their next effort? The shear time that this must have taken to fully realize “Cerebral Codex,” cannot be truly understood or appreciated until one reads the text. Only then will one begin to comprehend just how many mysteries that there are wrapped up in conundrums.

Are you up for the challenge? Pick up a copy of the book and your walking stick. Come to South Jersey. You will not be disappointed.

Films that are Worth a Second Look

As with any form of art, whether or not its any good or not lies strictly in the eye of the beholder. There are some wonderful offerings out there if one is willing to take a chance. The following short list is submitted for your approval.

Donnie Darko (2001) Directed by Richard Kelly. Modern masterpiece. This film suffered at the box office because it opened the weekend after September 11th. Do yourself a favor and rent the director’s cut. What an amazing piece of filmmaking. This is the kind of picture that leaves you with an impression that last long after the film. Trying to find answers to the questions that you come away from after your first viewing will rack your brain and be the fodder for many a conversation over a couple of cups of coffee or a few beers, if one was so inclined. Can one outrun fate? How about those pesky time paradoxes and Stephen Hawking inspired wormholes? Amazing picture.

The Americanization of Emily (1964) Directed by Arthur Hiller. Timely and timeless. It is one of the most intelligent discussions on war ever put to film. It stars James Garner and Julie Andrews. I was lucky enough to catch it on Turner Classic Movies. If by chance you get the opportunity, see it. It will make you laugh and make you think.

Time Bandits (1981) Directed by Terry Gilliam. Lets get something straight; I love Terry Gilliam. The man is a genius – bottom line. The story revolves around a group of dwarves who work for the Supreme Being and a young boy that they scoop up along the way. They steal a map that shows where and when portals in time and space open and close, using them to rob the treasures of history. The Supreme Being wants it back and Evil, played by David Warner, wants to exploit it. It is just an amazing picture in a line of amazing pictures from Gilliam.

Blade Runner (1982) Directed by Ridley Scott. Rick Deckard is a “Blade Runner” whose job is to hunt down and kill “replicants,” genetically engineered – android super beings, that have lived past their allotted years or have gone renegade. He is very good at what he does, but some things are not all they appear to be. This is another film that will stay with you not just because of the jaw dropping shots of a future Los Angeles but because of the revelation of a man who may or may not be all that he thinks himself to be.

Shaun of the Dead (2004) Directed by Edgar Wright. This is one of the films that I would gladly take with me to a deserted island. Simon Pegg is Shaun (he and Wright wrote the film too). The tagline is priceless, “A romantic comedy – with zombies.” What’s not to love? You’ll laugh and you will be surprised as to how much heart and wallop the film brings as well. The characters, which are played as real people under quite extraordinary circumstances, all grow and develop to the point that you really care about their survival. It’s amazing what a man in love with a Cricket Bat can do. Fun film. See it.

All right then, there are five that I don’t believe you should miss. They are most certainly worth a second look.

(All copyrights belong to other entities and I’m not making a shilling off of their efforts.)

What’s in a Name?

People ask, “Hey Evil Chicken, how’d you get your crazy name?” Well, therein lies the tale…

My wife, our two daughters (at the time) and I were at a family birthday party. There were 20 or so kids outside playing within the confines of a large, fenced-in yard while the adults who remained at the party chatted inside about NASCAR, the right to bear arms, insurance rates and the local school district. My cousin, our host, kept chickens in an old wooden chicken coop that sat in the west end of the lot.

“Can you imagine the concentration that a driver has to have?” one father asked me. “I mean, you are really movin’ down that track – 200 MPH!”

“Boy, I’ll say.” I replied taking a sip of coffee.

If I live to be 142, I’ll never get the concept of NASCAR. My love for racing ended when Speed Racer left the airwaves back in the seventies. I’m sure that it is quite exciting and that there are some hard earned lessons to be taken from the spectacle – I just lack the vision to see it. To me, it just seems like a bunch of guys driving cars. That’s a spectacle that I try to avoid on the highways Monday through Friday – I can’t think of a reason to take up any time on the weekend to watch more of it. Still, there I was standing in a sea of black and red tee shirts with number “3s” on them.

“Oh my Gawd! That girl’s gonna get hurt!” a seated woman said. She had just packed the last few crumbs from a thick slice of birthday cake into her jowls.

My wife and I exchanged glances. On some base molecular level we knew that it was one of our daughters. Knowing our daughters and the sheer haphazard destruction that they can wreak, it was almost inevitable. I looked out the window and saw two figures – no, two combatants, the 4 year-old Kathryn and a 2.5-foot tall rooster. I excused myself from the NASCAR conversation, pushed my way through crowd, stepped through the open doorway and, so as not to startle the rooster into doing something rash, I slowly descended the stairs.

Putting one hand in front of me, as if I were a Jedi Knight using the force, I said, “Honey… Step away from the chicken.” No sooner had I uttered these words than my daughter assumed that famous Lou Ferrigno stance from The Incredible Hulk TV show and began to roar.

“Grrr!” she growled. The sound was guttural – the Hulk would have been proud.

The rooster had had enough. This roaring creature was a clear and present danger. A threat to his barnyard was imminent and it was time to show all in attendance just who ruled the roost. He sprang into the air, his talons both raised and ready to sink into my baby’s face. This is instinctual behavior with birds. They go for the eyes. This chicken was going for my daughter’s beautiful eyes. Kathryn pulled back as the chicken struck – instead of blinding my daughter, the rooster inflicted two scratches on either side of her throat.

I scooped up my baby, estimated the rate of decent of the chicken and kicked. My foot connected with the bird, launching it into the side of a nearby outbuilding. It bounced off and scurried away clucking curses in chickenese at my offspring and me.

I carried Kat back to the steps and set her on her feet. She was shaking and breathing heavy. Her scratches were superficial.

“Man, that’s one evil chicken.” She said.

“EXPLETIVE!” the hostess said from the top of the landing. She was furious. Her eyes scanned the yard looking for her husband, my cousin. She found him.

“I want that EXPLETIVE chicken dead! Do you EXPLETIVE hear me?”

My cousin verbalized that he understood. He looked to his older brother and then to me. I knew what was going to happen next. She was the judge and the three of us were to carry out the sentence; capitol punishment – pure and simple. I had never been party to such events. I began to think that DNA evidence would not be needed for the bird’s appeal. His day in court was over and done with. Dead chicken strutting.

“You know, it wasn’t really his fault.” I said. This was true. The bird had escaped from his cage and was protecting himself from the onslaught of the incredible 4 year-old.

“No! That EXPLETIVE bird is dangerous.” She said. “This has EXPLETIVE happened before.”

I looked back to my cousins. The bird’s rights to appeal had been denied. It was time for action. Surprisingly, the bird was easily coaxed back into the outbuilding. I heard later that he had roosted there from time to time. My cousins and I entered behind him and closed the door.

Gentle reader, I will spare the gory details and censure myself. I will leave out the parts about the dull axe, the switched executioners and the three whacks that still kept the head on the evil chicken’s shoulders. Suffice to say that I was the bagman and assisted with the sentence. We deposited the earthly remains in a Hefty bag.

We emerged from the garage with grim expressions on our faces. It was over. The deed was done.

“EXPLETIVE - A!” our hostess said upon seeing the bag in my arms. We deposited him at the curb.

The party broke up shortly after the sentence was carried out. We said our good byes and made our way home, taking with us the weight of the memories of the day.

Time passes, as it always does, and I now pause to reflect – hoping that some part of the evil chicken lives on somewhere. A place where there are no coops or chicken wire or children’s birthday parties – a happy place. I suppose that if I were to attempt a deeper, more heartfelt moral to the tale it would be this; any and all wayward cocks should just stay away from my daughters.

Re-Energized Part II, The Movies

Star Trek movies have grossed over a BILLION dollars worldwide. That makes the Star Trek juggernaut a force to be reckoned with and something that Paramount Pictures will use to their advantage. Some have lamented the “odd / even” curse; which says in the nutshell that the odd numbered pictures are trash and the even numbered pictures are good. I don’t buy that; as you will see by the overly scrutinized list below. For this fan, the Star Trek movies run the gamut from wonderful entertainments to sentences of punishment in small countries.

“Omar, time and again you have failed to heed the chicken licensing laws of our country. I sentence you to three consecutive viewings of Star Trek Nemesis!”

“AHHHH!” Omar screamed as he was dragged away from the judge’s tent. “Not THAT!”

I’m getting ahead of myself. The following are my opinions of the Star Trek movies in order of their releases. Why? You may ask – because I can and I promised a “part II.” : ) Beware lads and lasses, there be spoilers aplenty below…

Star Trek – The Motion Picture (1979). After seeing how much money a little film called Star Wars had made in 1977, Paramount decided to appease “Trekies” the world over and dust off their own space opera. I am glad that they did. This movie has taken a lot of criticism over the years; yes it reintroduced Kirk, Spock and McCoy (and on the big screen, no less), but it didn’t mesh with much of the public. Robert Wise directed the film. The guy was a genius, however, he had no idea who the characters were. Even so this is closest hard science fiction effort from the Trek franchise ever and one of my favorites. The effects and score are great. I even loved the tagline, “The human adventure is just beginning.”

Star Trek II – The Wrath of Kahn (1982). To date this is the finest Star Trek film ever to grace the big screen. Directed by Nicholas Meyer who turned Starfleet into a tightly run navy (which is how it should be), this film reached back into Trek history and pulled back Khan Noonien Singh, from the Classic episode “Space Seed.” Khan is pissed at Kirk for marooning him and his people on a dieing planet and he wants his pound of flesh. Great character interplay and story this one has drama, death, mid-life crisis and phaser battles between Federation ships; you can’t go wrong. Mr. Spock dies saving the Enterprise. I saw this picture at a matinee and I was able to blame the afternoon sunshine for my watering eyes; only you, gentle reader, know the truth. This one set the bar for excellence in the movies; it also set the dress code as well. The uniforms worn here influenced each and every successive Star Trek effort since.

Star Trek III – The Search for Spock (1984). Directed by Leonard Nimoy (Spock), a man who knows the world of Star Trek. The remaining crew of the Enterprise hijacks the starship to recover Spock’s body from the Genesis planet and cart him off to the planet Vulcan for a re-fusion with his “Kat-Tra,” the Vulcan soul. Sacrifice, destruction and death still haunt them, as do a particularly nasty group of Klingons. There is a somber tone to this one; it is a bridge – this is part two of a trilogy. In the end the crew’s sacrifice pays off and Spock rejoins his shipmates. This was not an easy task to pull off but Nimoy does. How about that, the needs of the one did outweigh the needs of the many; huh, whodathunk?

Star Trek IV – The Voyage Home (1986). Nimoy is at the helm once more. All of the solemn and sober tones are gone in this one as the crew journey back in time to save the Federation and some extinct humpback whales. This is a light movie but it is a lot of fun. Seeing Spock and McCoy at odds with each other again is great. Each of the crew has camera time, as well. Although much of it is played for humor, you can see why each member of the crew is where he or she is in the Star Trek universe – a professional member of the executive staff of a starship; even if that starship was destroyed in the last film. After saving the world once more, Kirk is made a Captain again and the crew is assigned to their new vessel. Starfleet re-commissions another Constitution Class ship and christens it with the name and registration number, “Enterprise NCC-1701-A.” The sight of it gave me geek chills; dare I say, it still does.

Star Trek V, the Final Frontier (1989). William Shatner had a clause in his contract basically saying that whatever Nimoy gets a crack at, so do I. This clause must have been taken out of his contract after the release of ST5. Until the release of Nemesis, ST5 was considered the worst in the whole film series. Instead of a character driven, holistic view of the 23d century we spend most of our time on Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, it’s just that the time that we do spend with them is moronic. The three sit around a campfire singing ‘row your boat,’ roasting ‘marshmellons.’ In a plot-thinning move Spock’s brother (?) hijacks the Enterprise to search for God. Set phasers on disintegrate and pull the trigger.

Star Trek VI, the Undiscovered Country (1991). Nicholas Meyer returns to the director’s chair for this one and delivers. I really enjoyed this film. It would have been a wonderful way to end the series with the original actors. That, however, wasn’t going to be the case. Anyway, over the years the title has confused many, however, ‘the undiscovered country’ (yet another Shakespeare reference), is a reference to peace between the Federation and the Klingon Empire. Kirk and crew become the lynch pin between peace and war in the galaxy. Kirk and McCoy escape a Klingon penal colony, Spock and crew solve a mystery aboard the Enterprise and a reunited crew stops an assassination plot. What else can you expect from the crew of the Enterprise? Good story, well paced and plotted. Themes of hatred, reconciliation and forgiveness are at the heart of this one. Excellent stuff. BTW I heard Nicholas Meyer speak at a screenwriter’s convention a few years ago – very cool guy. Star Trek was never mentioned once.

Star Trek (VII) Generations (1994). Directed by David Carson. Generations has always reminded me of Marlon Brando in “On the Waterfront” as he laments to his brother that he “could have been a contender.” This movie could have been something special too. It’s not, but it could have been. Oh don’t get me wrong; there are plenty of things in there to keep a fan interested; Data receiving an emotion chip, a glimpse of Enterprise – B, a crash landing of the saucer section of Enterprise – D, not to mention Kirk and Picard on the screen together saving the day; yeah, a fanboy like myself should have been delighted. Unfortunately, this first venture onto the big screen for the crew of the Enterprise – D, is marred by too many good ideas and not enough time to flesh them out. The whole Nexus Wave phenomenon should have been called the Writer’s Convenience Stream and the death of Captain James T. Kirk should have been handled completely different. It’s Captain Kirk; couldn’t there have been a better summation for the life of a tent pole character than to drop him down a crevasse? By plucking him out of the Nexus Wave at the very end of the movie to help save the day the filmmakers ignored any possible character development between the classic and the next generation crews; too bad. If Kirk had been around for the whole film I might have been able to forgive the whole crevasse death thing. They also recycled an effects shot from an earlier movie, which, for some reason, I find annoying.

Star Trek (VIII) First Contact (1996). This one is directed by Commander Riker himself, Jonathan Frakes; a gentleman who knows the Next Generation. It shows. For my money this is to date, the best Star Trek featuring the Next Generation cast. In this one the Borg go back in time to stop the Earth from ever making first contact with an alien race (Vulcan’s BTW). Anyway, this is a fun offering even though it ignored a lot of what was happening in Star Trek’s own timely continuity; i.e. the Jem-Hedar war happening over at DS-9. Oh well. Geordi’s got eye implants now, which is a good thing. Mr. LaVar Burton is an expressive actor and giving him his full facial features to work with was a good idea. I also liked to see the cameo that Robert Picardo did as the Holo-Doctor on Enterprise – E; well done. It is a good entertainment that gave spotlights to each of the crew; unlike what the weaker films do by highlighting one small group of characters. It takes a crew to run a starship.

Star Trek (IX) Insurrection (1998). Once more directed by Jonathan Frakes. This effort has Captain Picard and Co. protecting the ideals of the “Prime Directive,” Starfleet’s number one rule which boils down to ‘don’t interfere with developing alien cultures.’ Picard finds himself defending this principal against Starfleet itself. You see, there’s this planet that emits a re-generative radiation and makes the population very long lived. Some in Starfleet want to know how at any cost. This is a watchable movie, although it feels like a television episode as opposed to a feature film. As a Star Trek movie; it’s passable. The filmmakers dropped the ball almost completely when it comes to the character development of Mr. Data who completely ignores his emotion chip this time out. Yeah, passable is a good word to sum it up.

Star Trek (X) Nemesis (2002). The tenth installment of the series, directed by Stuart Baird, lackadaisically goes where so many Star Trek films have gone before. The tagline for this the movie is, "One Generation's Final Journey." It's a shame that this final journey is so tragically handled. All of the bridge crew reprise their roles, although they are relegated to cameo appearances. While the Enterprise-E may carry hundreds of Starfleet personnel, "Nemesis," at its core is a Captain Picard and Mr. Data flick played effectively, once again, by Patrick Stewart and Brent Spiner. No other characters need apply.

As in Star Treks I through IX, the crew detects a strange sensor signals and go to investigate. They find an interesting piece of technology that is brought back to the Enterprise. This plot device is used back in Star Trek VII. There is an IQ dropping Federation VS Bad Guys planet side, off road chase with Picard at the wheel. – Say, why would the Federation invest in a compliment of Dune Buggies when shuttlecrafts and transporter beams can take you wherever you want to go? Good question. – After the races it’s back to the Enterprise where in a surprise move that hasn't been seen since Star Trek VI, the crew is diverted from their current mission to urgent emergency. During this emergency we meet a very personal enemy, much like the Borg were in Star Trek VIII. After some telepathic mind violation, which hasn't been seen since Star Trek VI and some space battles that have not been glimpsed since Star Treks II-III and V-IX, the captain beams over to face his nemesis one on one. That hasn't been seen since Star Treks VIII & IX. There is also an act of self-sacrifice that we haven't seen since way back in Star Trek II! The only difference is that in Star Trek II the viewer cared. The same plot devices are used over and over again; the characters are not used to a shade of their potential.

This one beats out # 5 (which was pretty bad) as the worst Star Trek movie to date; disappointment aplenty. Levar Burton is horribly underutilized and his character's relationship with Data is never underscored like it should have been. I forget if Gates McFaden (Dr. Crusher) had a speaking roll or not and the Romulans, whose make up looks chunkier than usual, do not act like any member of the Romulan Star Empire that this fan has ever seen. Nothing looks real. This is a serious issue since the job of fiction is to make the unbelievable not only believable, but also accepted in the mind of audience. The Herman Munster makeup that the Romulans were is so distracting that it takes the viewer out of where they are supposed to be (the story) and into the realm of camp. Too bad; when this was made Voyager was the only other alternative. The producers had set the franchise to “auto-destruct.”

The time had come for a rest. Star Trek, the franchise that I loved so, had come to a point of mind numbing repetition. The producers were spent and the ideas looked canned. Yes, time for a rest. It has been a few years since there was no Star Trek to be seen on the television or in the theaters. There have been grumblings on the net; whispers of new Trek carried on the winds. Star Trek is now in the process of re-emerging from its cocoon. Out with the old and in with the new. Paramount is under new management and they remember the day when earning profits soared. They want those days back. Enter Mr. J.J. Abrams; the man who will write and direct Star Trek 11. Rumor on the web says that it will be the adventures of a young Kirk and Spock.

BTW Mr. Abrams, if you need any help with the script I’m available. I’ll bring back Q; Picard would join the Q Continuum and become “P.” I’d bring in the entity that Captain Sisko turned into as well. Maybe I’d have the three of them erase the existence of the television series Voyager. I don’t know what I’d have them do with Star Trek – Enterprise (like I said in Part I of this diatribe, I haven’t seen it yet.) I wish Mr. Abrams the best with this latest ‘Re-Energization.’ I can’t speak for all of geekdom, but I can guarantee that I’ll be in the theater when it opens.

Live long and prosper.

Don’t You Just Hate Random Thoughts

Ten minutes (or so) of Random Thoughts.

- I paid $2.92 for a gallon of gas today. Insane. Everything I said in “The Price of Complacency” I meant.
- Wendy’s Hamburgers. Why is it that something that tastes so good is so bad for you?
- Got a call from a friend of mine today, a film company in England is very interested in a script that he wrote called, “Scent.” They should be, it’s one of the finest scripts that he’s produced thus far. Good on you mate!
- We are about twenty geocaches away from hitting 500. We’re not really ‘about the numbers,’ so to speak but it’s still a cool anniversary.
- I should finish up Re-Energized Part II, but it’s getting late and I’ve got work tomorrow.
- I would get a whole lot more accomplished if I didn’t have to work. Come to think of it; a WHOLE lot more.
- A body was found today in Brendan Byrne State Forest here in South Jersey. Some contractors found it. Scary. My family and I spend a lot of time in these woods and other nooks and crannies around South Jersey. Sad.

Alright, that’s enough for now, I’m hitting the hay.

Re–Energized (part I of II)

I am a geek. I’m proud of this fact and will let my geek flag fly wherever I go. I am a card-carrying member in good standing, mind you, of my geekship. There is no self-respecting fan-boy out there who doesn’t have a special place in his heart for Star Trek. The original 78 episodes of the series started in 1966. There have been five television series and ten feature films. I grew up on the syndicated reruns of the original. I am steeped in Trek lore. The adventures of Kirk, Spock & McCoy introduced me to the wonders of science fiction. It is for this reason that I, Evil Chicken, am very pleased with this announcement…

http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117941815?categoryid=10&cs=1&s=h&p=0

Yup; Star Trek is going to return. Rick Berman, the man who has helmed the Star Trek universe since Star Trek the Next Generation, is out. Paramount has named new producers and given the reins to Mr. J.J. Abrams (creator of Alias & Lost and the writer/director of Mission Impossible III – which BTW has great early spin). Not too shabby. This is the shot in the arm that the franchise needs. After Enterprise, Star Trek needed a rest. After Nemesis (the tenth & worst film of the series), it needed time to lick its wounds and heal. (I’ll rant about the movies in part II of this wonderful and heartfelt blog.)

The post Classic Star Trek TV experience in the nutshell…

I loved Star Trek the Next Generation. Once the writing team hit its stride and the cast congealed, it was TV magic. The Enterprise – D was a decidedly different vessel than NCC – 1701. Captain Picard (played by the amazing Patrick Stewart) was almost a polar opposite of Captain James T. Kirk (William Shatner), but it most certainly kept me watching. It was about the story and making the 23d century a real place. Deep Space Nine took a couple of seasons for it to do the same, but in the end I cared about what happened to Captain Sisko and his crew. Voyager just never jelled for me; it never seemed real and in any type of fiction that’s exactly what you are selling, “reality.” I think it was Tom Clancy who said, “The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense.” Amen. With all due respect to the character of Seven of Nine, Voyager never did. It was wooden, fake. There was no passion or center. It became generic and because of this viewer ship nose-dived. They done went and poisoned the well. Enterprise did a much better job of character development and story telling but unfortunately due to Voyager, people had tuned out. I know that I did. I forgot that it was on. Too bad really, I hear that it got pretty good toward the end. If I get a chance I’ll catch it on DVD.

Star Trek is one of those properties that should inspire the viewer. The casual fan should come away feeling a little bit of hope for the future; hope in knowing that we didn’t blow ourselves up and that, just maybe, the human adventure is just beginning. In today’s world, that’s refreshing. Speaking of today’s world, how many inventors and storytellers have been influenced by Star Trek? If you have a flip cellular phone, a GPS unit, a laptop or a PDA then you may have first seen them being used on a show in the sixties that almost lasted for three seasons. Yeah we are still working on matter transportation and warp drive technology but give it time; the Romulan Empire wasn’t built in a day.

I can’t wait to see what J.J. Abrams has up his sleeve for bringing Star Trek back to the big screen and to the public’s mind. It sounds like the fate of the Federation is in good hands. I’ll be there opening night to confirm my suspicions.

The Price of Complacency

I love Spring, the new budding lush greenness all around, the sunshine as seen through the newness of the leaves and the fact that I will not have to pay $500.00 to fill my oil tank until late Fall. Ah Spring; when a young man’s thoughts turn to words that were once held in disgust – alternative fuels, and how much he wishes he could have utilized them during the past winter. My family really felt the squeeze this past winter. I had hoped that the future would resemble the dreams of the futurists. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Welcome to life in the twenty-first century and a future that remains dependent on oil.

Why does it have to be this way? The signs were there and nothing was done. Nothing. I’ve lived long enough to remember the energy crisis of the seventies. OPEC tightened the screws and gas prices soared to the unheard price of 76 cents a gallon. There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth. Dependency on foreign oil brought us to our knees and introduced the concept of Odd – Even days to a public and society that ran on fossil fuels. Time passed, deals were struck and OPEC dropped the price of oil once more. Prices dropped and instead of learning from such an experience we ignored it and went back to our lives, driving into a future paved with cheap oil. Why should we consider the use of alternative energies? Oil’s cheap; what are you, some kind of tree hugger?

It’s time I faced the facts – I just may be; although not for all of the usual reasons. I live work and play in South Jersey and today, 4/18/06; I paid $2.69 for a gallon of gas. $2.69! I’m sure that there are a million reasons why but for me it comes down to complacency. Big oil companies do not want to retool their shops, American carmakers? Same thing. The public? We follow; we do as we are told. We resist any type of change and hang on securely to our status quo. It is this stubborn dedication to the norm, to our own comfort, that is really killing us. Our greed betrays us, yet again. One cannot mention greed and leave out the oil companies. It is not just a natural resource that is being exploited; it’s also the public – you and I, each and every time we put a twenty into a gas tank or $250.00 into a heating oil tank to be half filled. Now, imagine if you will, a country run on clean, renewable energies not dependent on foreign oil or the interests of big, corporate institutions that care absolutely nothing about anything but the bottom line. Perhaps it is this that ticks me off the most; the ‘what ifs’ – the future that could have been if we didn’t accept things the way they were.

History has taught us nothing.

So who will fund the revolution? I bet on Japan and China. Did you know that 40% of Chinese high school students want to become engineers and that less than 4% of American high school students want to go into the field? Man, it’s a great thing that we have our MTV. Our short attention spans (mine included) don’t allow us to focus on too many things at once. It is systemic.

I don’t mean to sound too negative there are signs that things could change. I love any vehicle that can get 50 miles to the gallon and recently, while driving into Atlantic City from the Atlantic City Express way I glimpsed the future. Off on the back bay sits a new wind farm! I found the sight of it amazing; all hope is not lost. Can you imagine if we had been using such resources since the seventies? Our infrastructure could have been rebuilt to use wind power, solar power, tidal power, geothermal power and hydropower. It would be a different world. Yes there would have been initial problems and attitude adjusting, but all of that would be over now. How many stable, long term jobs could have been created by perfecting and utilizing these emerging and completely renewable technologies? Imagine how it could have been if we refused the status quo and threw off the yoke of oppression that we so gladly have harnessed ourselves to. A world without the dependency on oil; it didn’t have to remain science fiction – we just liked it that way.

Ah, the price of complacency. I don’t believe we can afford it anymore. The wind farm and its five spinning turbines give me hope. Hope that all is not lost, that the world we hand our children is a better place, and that the future really does belong “to those who believe in the power of their dreams.”

Now there is a status quo that I could get behind.

Of Praise and Pitchforks

I am a Christian. Feel free to form your lines now; pitchforks and torches to the right, living and let living to the left. I am a Christian due to my acceptance of Jesus Christ. There was a change – I have no other way to explain it to others save to say that in a moment I knew that it was all real; salvation that is. I cannot deign it; it happened. I’m not going to debate dogmas. Dogma fighting is illegal where I’m from. Just know that yours truly, Evil Chicken, is a Christian.

Did I mention that the torches are to the right?

I rub shoulders with all kinds of people at work and at play. I’m not one to scream what someone is doing is wrong or sinful due to the simple reason that I myself am wrong and sinful. I’m good at it. Please don’t look for judgment from me; I would humbly ask the same in return. Judgment is fortunately not in my hands. Differing views are nothing new; on any given day I run into Evolutionists, alien abductees, Wicans, Druids, Creationists, Atheists, Muslims, Agnostics, Jews, Buddhists, people who say they are Christian and people who live it; their Christianity, that is. I run in several circles. These days people seem to know that I’m Christian. It is not something that I beat over people’s heads – its just part of who I am. You can either accept it or not. I’m ok either way. Hey don’t get me wrong the more people to accept Christ’s message the better. If Christ can use me, a decidedly cracked vessel, to this end all the better. My job is to arrange the meeting – to plant a seed; it’s Christ that does the rest. I mention this little caveat (the people I run into and with) to illustrate the worldly concept of “live and let live,” or as Christ said more proactively, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Powerful words.

Long story short; a Wican acquaintance of mine who knows my faith is always taking shots at Christianity and “Those Christians.” We run in some of the same circles and see each other at events and such. When it happens, I acknowledge what she says with a smile and go about whatever business I may be doing. She seeks a provocation. It is as if on some level she wants me to turn red and scream at her that “she’s going to hell!” I haven’t, however. I try to treat her with the same love and respect that I do for any other member of this mutual organization that we belong to. If I were to explode, I’d be giving her the opportunity to shout to the winds and whoever else is listening, “There! Do you see what I mean about Christians?” And then what sort of example of Christianity would I be?

I’d rather plant seeds.

Anyway, I mention the above as an undercurrent of the way things are in contemporary western twenty first century life. Things are slipping; shifting. People in the world are losing faith and one of the symptoms is what we laugh at. Christians, these days, are an easy target. In our entertainments Christians are painted with broad, intolerant stokes. To many we are a humorless lot bent on controlling everything the individual wants to do. It’s ok to make fun of the Christian, these days; we’re easy targets. We don’t riot in the streets when some blockhead draws a cartoon. My savior taught love. Our treasure is not here. We turn the other cheek, plant seeds and wait for the day when we can hear those words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

If you get a chance check out Matthew chapter 24; you’ll see that things are going to get worse before they get better. Hey, it’s just the way it is. It is how it’s going to be. Despite all the storms and the wars and the earthquakes, I still have hope.

How about you?

It’s the Easter season; the most important event in history has unfolded. The prize is there and all you have to do is ask. Just ask.

He is risen. He is risen indeed.

Happy Easter

If Wishes Were Kayaks

Paddling; canoe, kayak, inflatable raft – I love ‘em all. I grew up around water and being in any one of these self-propelled vessels really reconnects me with the timelessness of the element and clears my mind. There is so much beauty right off the beaten path, river, back bay or creek for that matter. It boggles the mind. Some have the eyes to see it and appreciate it; some don’t – for those who do the world can be a sight to behold; even the world of one’s own back yard.

My back yard is the Jersey Shore. I dream of opportunities to use a sea kayak to traverse my back yard; paddling around the barrier islands, camping, pods of dolphins off the Cape, seeing each of the lighthouses from the deck of a 17 footer – nice. If I extend the area that I’d like to explore from the deck of my sea kayak I’d have to include Assateague Island of Virginia, the Outer Banks of North Carolina, the Florida Keys, the Dry Tortugas, New Brunswick Canada, Nova Scotia Canada, Bar Harbor Maine, British Columbia and Alaska. For some reason, I’ve always had this crazy dream of kayaking with whales.

Yeah, it’s crazy but it’s my dream – cut me some slack. It will remain a dream for the time being since I don’t have a sea kayak. It’s on my list of purchases for when the non-existent rich uncle dies, I hit the lottery; sell a novel that becomes a best seller or maybe a screenplay.

Ah yes… if wishes were kayaks then all men would paddle.

Still and all there are other options that would include the family. Ocean Kayak has several nicely designed “Sit On Top” kayak designs. The nice thing with a Sit On Top is that you don’t have to worry too much about swamping. If you tip and wind up in the drink just climb back on board and paddle away. There are some nice options for the kids as well. I’ve got three daughters, two of which are old enough to fall head over heals for the sport. I figure that we could get them started on a couple of Yak Boards, while their old man (yours truly) would paddle along with them in a Scrambler XT. Sit On Tops also have the extra option of being fun to play with in beach surf. Yeah buddy – much fun.

Did I mention that non-existent rich uncle?

Ok, what if I built some boats? Yes; I could do that. My dad and I built a 16’ 4” strip cedar canoe about twenty years ago. It was a beautiful boat – twenty years ago. The girls and I need to refurbish her and bring her back to the glorious boat that she is; it’s on the list. The problem with the canoe is that she’s heavy, big and cumbersome to paddle solo and, no matter how you look at her – even in her beauty; she’s not a kayak.

What’s that? You ask about possibly building a kayak kit or plans? My, you are astute! Yes, I’ve delved into this option and the simple fact is that after one pays for shipping, supplies, fiberglass, wood and the tools that would be needed it’s just plain cheaper to spring for a polyformed boat; lighter too. That’s always something I keep my eye on since I’m the guy that would be car topping these boats. The other thing I keep an eye on is how much weight capacity a potential kayak has. I’m no lightweight and my camping equipment is heavy too. There are plans and boats out there that would fit the bill; I can name several off of the top of my head. Still and all, pre-built and preformed appears to be the way to go.

Ah dreams…

Well, I’ve gotta go buy some lottery tickets.

1408 Casting

Quint from Ain’t It Cool News wrote the following article for Harry’s site. As always, Quint does a great job. This particular article is about Samuel L. Jackson and John Cusack being cast as the leads. Go on, check it out; I’ll wait.

http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=22930

Still there? Great! Here’s Evil Chicken’s spin.

1408 is a short story that appears in Stephen King’s latest collection of short stories, “Everything’s Eventual.” It’s a good short story, but it’s just that; a SHORT story. Whoever’s making it is going to have to stretch and add a whole lot more to the plot to make a full-length motion picture. When this sort of thing happens the story is what usually loses integrity. Studio executives will stretch it out to fill time and make regular, standard, paper cutter horror movie fare. The addition of Cusack, as the writer, is most welcome IMHO and Jackson, in the right roll, is awesome. I hope that 1408 will showcase his talents and that he makes the roll of the hotel manager his own. He can do it; check out Pulp Fiction and Unbreakable – two rolls that he owned! I still have hopes that Tarintino will come out with the ‘Further Adventures of Jules Winnfield as he Walks the Earth Like Kain.’ Hey, if they make it I’ll be first in line. : )

This being said, I’m still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the time constraints. 1408 would be best served in its original form and length. I’d love to see this as part of “Creepshow 3” instead of stretched to the point of breaking. The story is best served in its original form and at the end of the day, with my rose colored Hollywood glasses, that’s what should be served – the story. The major players in the film industry will usually take the easiest way out by slapping together a half realized version of a property, smack the author’s name on the product and release it to an illiterate public that has never read the book in the first place; too bad. Still and all there are still people who read, thank God. Some of these readers go to films and or the movies (there is most certainly a difference between the two). It is the reader (and possibly the author) who will walk out of the theater betrayed and downtrodden; knowing that some studio has dropped the ball once more.

Oh well. I still wish the best for the project. 1408 is a decent short story and it should translate well to the movies. Do yourself a favor before you shell out the $10.00 for your ticket – read the book; you won’t be disappointed.

Sites for Sore Eyes

How did we get by without the internet? The following are a quick collection of places on the web that I have been known to haunt. Perhaps you will like them too.


http://www.aintitcool.com/ Harry Knowles is the Godfather of Geekdom

http://www.stomptokyo.com/index.htm B Movie guide? Nice.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/ Who likes movie trailers? You’ll need the latest version of Quicktime but it’s worth it.

http://www.imdb.com/ This is Movie crack.

http://www.weirdnj.com/misc/main.asp Weird NJ is the finest magazine of all time.

http://www.margaritaville.com/ Still searching for my lost shaker of salt.

http://www.songfacts.com/ “Jeremiah was a bullfrog!” Great music site; lyrics and so much more.

http://www.geocaching.com/ GPS units are not just for stalkers anymore! It’s a great game that the family will love.

http://sjgeocaching.org/SJG/modules/wfsection/ South Jersey Geocaching – Awesome. Cache or Stash in SJ? Membership has its privileges.

http://sepag.proboards21.com/index.cgi South Eastern Pennsylvania Geocaching – Great stuff

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/sjunpaved/default.htm Nice introduction to the history of the back yard that we call South Jersey.

http://www.cindyvallar.com/pirates.html This lady knows her pirates. After seeing her site you will too.

http://www.ah.dcr.state.nc.us/qar/ Undersea archeology – Blackbeard’s flagship the Queen Anne’s Revenge. – Quite cool indeed.

http://www.biblegateway.com/ Great resource for studying the Bible.

http://www.calvarychapel.com/ Main site for Calvary Chapel

http://www.nanowrimo.org/ National Novel Writing Month is in November. Get your outlines together and write a book in time for Christmas.

http://www.wga.org/ Writers Guild of America – excellent resource for screenwriting.

http://www.stephenking.com/news.php Years from now people will look back and say that he was one of the greats.

http://www.jkrowling.com/ Harry Potter fan? You can’t miss this.

http://www.chrismoore.com/ To read him is to love him.

http://clusty.com/ Search without being analyzed, censured or monitored.


So, there’s your assignment.

Enjoy.

Fat Man Walking

“You sound thinner on the phone.” The client’s father said to me at the courthouse.

I’ve never been of average weight. I’m fat, big and jolly (just as the world, and my conformity to it, wants me to be); you know the type. The big uncle that you love so much who dies young from a massive coronary? Yeah, that’s me; the “why do the good die young” guy. I’m still fit enough to have the muscular frame needed to propel my bulk efficiently and quickly but old enough to see that that the extra strain on my joints and ligaments is beginning to take its toll. I’m 37.

You hear all kinds of smack when you are the fat kid, adolescent, adult. You get used to it. Some of it is pretty good other talk is just plain dumb; oral ejaculate from someone who is insecure enough that they think the fat guy will be easy prey. Ah yes, humans and jackals – what’s the difference? Anyway, I’ve heard most of them but this one was perhaps the dumbest; and that’s saying something. It gave me moment to pause and for a brief moment I was speechless. That doesn’t happen too often; there’s an impressive feat from a guy who was presently and most recently at court for a peeping tom charge.

“Yeah, I get that a lot.” I said.

But enough about him; this is about me and people like me. Of course I can’t speak for all of corpulent people of the earth, just this one. I have never been called thin or skinny. This is due to several factors including a love of food, a lack of cardiovascular exercise, genetics and metabolism. As for any health Nazis who shriek, “they all say genetics and metabolism!” Screw you (how’s that for jolly). Know that I smile each time I hear that a jogger, has keeled over dead from a heart attack. Not because of a tragic loss of life but because I know it will make the health enlightened say, “But he was so healthy.” What an amazing position to act as if dying is a personal decision instead of inevitability. How about that; the grim reaper takes you too. : )

Hey, I’m not bitter – I’m Jolly!

Speaking of “Jolly,” it is my belief that humor is, as with almost everything else, is part genetic and part environmental – or part shaped. It is a wonderful coping mechanism, tool for acceptance and weapon. The world will accept you if they feel that they are in on the joke. Leave ‘em smiling. I think that is why so many people such as I (fat guys) have had the term “Jolly” applied to us since the beginning of time. Humor gives many an opportunity at being accepted by the community at large. That’s not something that is exclusive to the fat guy community. So many thin, “healthy” comedians and funny people have deep seeded self-esteem issues. The adage is true; comedy is most certainly tragedy. It is best to laugh then it is to cry, right? Well, at the end of the day, it is.

Still and all I’m not blind. Someone my size is the odds on favorite for health complications and an early grave. To keep things moving let me just say that I have “yo-yoed” with my weight on several occasions. No fat, no sugar, Atkins, Nutra-System, just plain dieting? Yeah, I’ve done that. 50lbs here, 80lbs there; each loss didn’t last and the lbs came back to me like a stray puppy looking for a home; “We’ve missed you big boy! We’re coming home!” Atkins and the low-no carb lifestyle worked fine until that first slice of bread; then it was like pulling a ripcord on a parachute. Poof! You’re fat.

So what’s next? Do something or do nothing? Doing nothing means that I’ve got maybe 15 or so years left. How so? Family history; we don’t get too far into our 50’s before we keel over dead. Doing something means changing longstanding habits (eating & exercise) or Gastric Bypass Surgery followed by portion control, exercise and vitamin regimens. That’s it. Those are my options. Quite honestly, cardiovascular exercise is boring, it doesn’t hold my attention; of course compound that with the negative reaction my body has to it and I’m out. Kayaking and biking are the exceptions to the rule. Neither is boring in the least for the simple reason that you are doing something. Unfortunately neither is really cardiovascular exercises and instead specialize on either the upper or lower portions of ones body. After discussing this issue with a few of my poker mates (health gurus as you would imagine) the concept of Aikido was mentioned as a cardiovascular exercise. Aikido is something that I have never tried, it is not boring and it would be something that I would not be deem pointless once I’m winded or if my body starts to resist. The other option is Gastric Bypass Surgery. Why consider something as drastic as this? My wife and my three daughters; I want to be alive to see my grandchildren and healthy enough to go kayaking with them. There are things that I want to do and I can’t; legendary things – things that are not possible now since I’m just too big. Kayaking with either killer whales or humpbacks, hiking down – camping and hiking back out of the Grand Canyon, exploring the hoodoos of Bryce Canyon and canyonearing the other national parks of southern Utah, Yosemite in California to climb the base of El Capitan, learning how to SCUBA dive and seeing the Jesus of the Deep and other sunken treasures off the coast of the Florida Keys & Jamaica (especially the sunken city of Port Royal); experiencing all of these things, from the glaciers to the rainforests, with my family, living life and writing about it.

I’ve got too much to live for to do nothing. If I were to be cut eating would change for me. There is no such thing as second helpings for a post op GBS individual. That would be ok. One of the worst things is the concept of having to take (or rather remembering to take) B12 vitamins for the rest of my life. GBSer’s have to do this since the section of their upper intestine that would have assimilated the vitamin has been surgically rearranged to be part of a much smaller stomach. Hey, survival ain’t pretty. At best with GBS, I’m looking at a 2 to 5 day hospital stay before I can come home. At worst I’ll have intestinal leakage where digestive enzymes leak into my body cavity causing great pain and, if not surgically fixed, death; or I’ll have a pulmonary embolism caused by a blood clot which would mean death or worse. Worse? Yes worse. Imagine if you will a clot going to ones brain causing a stroke that leaves one’s mind and body paralyzed. Having a vague sense of what has happened and wishing that the path of 15 good years was chosen instead of the living hell now faced for the rest of ones days in a health care facility. Thanks to the GBS, that should be a good long time now. Just shoot me. Wikipedia says about GBS, “The operation has a mortality rate of approximately 2% overall: 1% suffer immediate complications and death; another 1% will commonly have post-operative complications that lead to death within one month of surgery. This can be mitigated by compliance with the surgeon's post-operative plan and using a doctor who has performed more than 200 procedures. A full 25% of people undergoing this operation will have some form of post-operative complication (hernia, gall stones) either requiring a further procedure or change in habits.” So there it is. 2% will not get out alive from the proceedure. That’s akin to getting onto a plane, full of a hundred people mind you, that you know is going to crash, kill at least two passengers and leave 25 with extenuating medical circumstances. Hmm, what to do?

Biggie-Size?

It looks like excersise and dietary changes are in store; for now. If this fails or if I fail it; then I will seriously consider the knife. If that is the only way for me to grab another 20 or so years (in addition to the 15 he said with a wink), then I’m all in. More time to be hike with grandchildren and be jolly. I’m alright with that.

Chicken Scratch

Wonders never cease. I’m actually making a post to the blog. Yes it should start raining frogs any moment now, I know.

So where have I been? What have I been doing? Has writing been involved? As it turns out I was a little put off by the nature of blogging, itself. Obviously, I do not treat this electronic postcard to the world as one would treat a dairy. I know people who do and God bless ‘em. The simple fact, dear reader if you’re there, is that one does not have to look too far here in the land of the free and the home of the brave to see that free speech is and never was free. One person’s opinion, religion, art or political view will, no matter what mind you, find a way to piss off some wacko or group of wackos in small or large numbers. Wackos have unions these days.

Before you read too much into that last pair of sentences realize this, I do not buy into the extreme left or right; both of which and in most cases I consider wackos. I never wanted this to be some sort of ammunition for someone pushing an agenda or as fodder to hoist some B.S. cause up the flagpole. Not to mention the host of people who have had their blogs used against them in both courts of law and of public opinion. Well run, run as fast as you can, you’ll never catch me I’m the Ginger Bread Man.

You may ask then, why blog? Don’t you wish to have some sort of connection to your readers? Don’t you want people to know what you think? I have learned that the finest connection and means of communication, mind you, between a writer and a reader is the medium where they meet; the story - a play, a short tale, a novel that is where the ideas are; that is where the communication should take place. Writers should be read. Bottom line. This is what separates writers from town criers.

Now that this is off my chest, what have I been up to? I’ve been busy. What have I been doing? Family illnesses, having my mother-in-law move in, playing with my kids and watching them grow. Has writing been involved? Yup. I continue to hack away at my keyboard and my notebooks. I co-wrote a play with three other gentlemen from my church and a novel for NaNoWriMo, as well as hundreds of posts to different web sites which brings me full circle as to why I’m back. Two sites immediately jump to mind; Ain’t It Cool News and South Jersey Geocaching. In the vast emptiness of my mind, I contribute a lot of articles to both of these sites. I wanted a place where I could showcase my efforts – and that’s why I’m back.

See you soon.

Farwell Hunter

"I do not advocate the use of dangerous drugs, wild amounts of alcohol and violence and weirdness -- but they've always worked for me." – Hunter S. Thompson

There are certain writers that immediately come to mind when one considers substance abuse; Ernest Hemingway, Scott Fitzgerald, Edgar Allan Poe, Herman Melville and Hunter S. Thompson. They are giants and when a giant falls there are aftershocks. Stephen King wrote in his book, “On Writing,” concerning substance abuse, “…put your desk in the corner, and every time you sit down there to write, remind yourself why it isn’t in the middle of the room. Life isn’t a support system for art. It’s the other way around.” I am truly saddened to hear of this passing. I feel sorry for his family – especially his son, Juan, who was the one who found his father. My prayers and thoughts go out to them.

The unanswerable question of “why?” comes to mind. His end seems so un-Hunterlike. Was it depression exacerbated by years of drug and alcohol use, his perception that the world was going to hell and he wanted to get off, or a release from the pain of his recent back surgery? His death at his own hand leaves the answers to these questions unanswered and lost – perhaps the way his lived his life on the edge of being hopelessly lost from one moment to the next. He coined the term ‘Gonzo Journalism’ and lived out its principals to where ever they would lead. He rode with the Hells Angels, had been shot at in the pursuit of a story (or experience) and was a self proclaimed ‘adrenalin junkie.’ He lived what he wrote. This gave him an uncanny credibility. His skill as a writer allowed him to share his unique view of the world since the nineteen sixties.

He was a 67 year old writer. His feet were made of clay. His name was Hunter S. Thompson and he will be missed.

How I Learned to Enjoy Broccoli and Battlestar Galactica

“So how are you going to know that you don’t like broccoli if you don’t try it first?” My mother asked.

“We’ve had it before.” I said. A smelly green pile of boiled foliage gave off steam not all that far from where I was sitting.

“I’ve prepared it a different way.” She said.

I looked at the bowl and its contents and shuddered.

The conversation took a different turn and somehow, and I really don’t recall how, I avoided the broccoli.

Years later I tried it and loved it.


This being said, I owe Ronald Moore and the crew responsible for the new Battlestar Galactica an apology. When I first heard that Sci-Fi Channel was going to be producing a new Battlestar Galactica series I got a little fanboy shiver. I loved watching the original back in the day, so to speak, and I thought that it would be a sharp idea to revisit the original and see what sort of changes were in store for that ‘rag-tag fleet’ of starships heading for that ‘shinning planet known as Earth.’

Then I heard of the changes that were going to be made to the show. First of all the Sci-Fi Channel was making it. In the years that they have been in the business of making Sci-Fi originals, Dune has been one of the only projects that was worth watching. I was also concerned that the Cylons were going to look like humans; there were no laser/blaster weapons, Starbuck was going to be a hot young female starlet (as opposed to the male woman chasing swashbuckler from the original) and, what really synched it for me, the entire ‘Chariots of the Gods’ story line was going to be M.I.A. As a child of the seventies, this was very distressing for my nostalgic fanboy heart and I decided that I’d wait to see the mini-series until after it came out on DVD – that way I could avoid all of the commercials and get it all in one dose. Why torture myself with several nights of sitting in front of the TV when it could be a ‘one your done’ sort of experience? My expectations for the ‘reimagining’ (a term has made me cringe ever since the remake of Planet of the Apes) were not high.

I rented the DVD yesterday. What can I say? I was wrong. It was wonderful and certainly a tremendous launch for a new space epic. They have taken a smart turn for the best with this project. The characters are richly written and portrayed. They are treated with respect and dignity. You care about them. There is not a one-dimensional player in the lot and that is a testament to the writing of the script and the telling of the tale. The acting is exemplary and the story is well served. The effects are remarkable and, given the world that they exist in, ‘real.’ The battle scenes are visceral; just as they should be. In fact, the whole project has a hard science quality to it. This is important since the whole shooting match hinges on believability. The viewer must believe that the Cylons are effectively committing genocide against their creators – the human race. The viewer must also believe that the only hope for survival of our species lays in the hands of Commander Adama, the President of the 12 Colonies and the crew of last surviving Battlestar.

This viewer now believes. All apologies to cast and crew. Please just keep doing what you’re doing. I detest network television but I will be watching this series. The story is worth it.

To all my fellow fanboys who have had issues with the new series – try the broccoli; you’ll love it.

So This is Blogger

Ok. I’ve been perusing other peoples Blogs and I’ve been impressed by both the writing (of course) and the amount of information on their pages. I like the polls, links, random thoughts and counters I see on other peoples Blogs. I like them so much that I realize that I’ve got to figure out how to replicate some of them here.

Chances are I’m missing something. I’ve no doubt that it’s something goofy that I’m messing up or not including – but I’ve got to tell ya, gentle reader (if you exist), I ain’t that impressed with the ole Blog thus far. Oh I can put up as much content as I like, that’s not the issue; it’s the wrapping that it all comes it that I desperately need to improve on. As previously stated I’ve seen other people’s Blogs and have liked what I’ve seen. I want to feel the same about my own – right now I don’t.

Until I find the magical FAQ file that explains how to unlock all of the goodies I’m doomed to keep posting on this blah Blog. Perhaps the Blogger fairies will come to my laptop during the night and change the appearance of everything. One never knows. Until that happens I’ll have to draw contentment from editing and finishing my NaNoWriMo novel (yeah it’s over 50K) and polishing up a couple of short stories for potential publication.

Perhaps gentle reader (if you are there) someday I’ll figure out how to make this a better place. A place where we (in the plural - if you're there) and I (singular) will be happy.

We’ll see.

Library Dues

“Hey fella, have you paid your dues? Huh? Have you paid ‘em?”

Yeah. I paid ‘em. $3.60 at the Atlantic County Library. The Librarians had put a price on my head. They turned up the heat. They put the squeeze on the ole Evil Chicken.

At first it was benign, ya know? Phone calls in the middle of the night. Voices asking for somebody named Dewey Decimal.

“He’s not here!” I would cry into the receiver.

“Oh yes. He is.” Was the cool response. A scant moment later there was foreboding laughter and then a dial tone.

I would drive past the library and I could feel their eyes upon me. Somehow they found a way to track my movements. I’m certain of it. I would go places and I was shadowed. The librarians were pulling the strings. I was their plaything.

One day last week a woman approached me while I was on my way to a field visit.

“George,” at the time I didn’t know how she knew who I was. I now know that detailed dossiers are kept on those who stumble and lose their way back to the library doors. “I believe that you have something of ours.”

“I’m sorry?” I asked.

“Is it safe?” She said.

“Is what safe?” I asked. I was bewildered at first and then grabbed me by the lapel and pulled me close to her.

“Is it safe?” She threw me to the ground.

What happened then? Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I did what any red blooded American would have done in the same situation. I got to my feet and I ran. I ran until my side split with pain.

“Go on and run! You know where to find us!” I heard her shout as I fled.

Well, my days of running are over. I paid my dues. I’ll be the first to tell you, I made mistakes. The book should have been returned sooner. I’ll tell you something else - this scenario has changed me. I still shutter when I approach the library. I still check over my shoulder to see if I’m being tailed. I know that if I slip up and forget about the next book, I know that they will be there. Ready to enforce the late fees to the fullest extent of their arcane and unwritten laws.

I now know what the little glint in the librarian’s eye really means; “Go on and run little piggy. Do ya feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?”

I’ve spun this tale before, gentle reader. I post it now as a warning – they are watching.